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Sunday, July 8, 2012

A reason for everything that happens?

Being a bipolar single mom is not at all easy.  I rely heavily on my faith to get me through the day but sometimes I still find myself asking "WHY".  I am, like most in our nation, currently working at a low paying job that hardly pays the bills and is emotionally draining because of various budget cuts.  I do not get any help financially from my son's father and if I do it is random and very little. I have a college degree but was not satisfied with my career choice.  I still have no clue what it is that will fulfill my career desires but as for now I am a single mom who needs to take care of her son.  I took a job that I thought would be a lot less stressful than other more demanding ones but it ended up being stressful anyway.  I ask God constantly to guide me in the most successful direction for my son and myself.  There have been many subtle changes but I'm still at this low paying dead end job.  As of lately I have been finding it very difficult to rely on my faith because it has become so strained by the tasks that I have to do on a daily basis.  This last week I finally broke down by the stress of it all.  I have to take care of my 4 yr old son (which I love to do but can be very demanding at this age especially), take care of myself, take care of the bills, take care of the household things, and the list goes on.  I called on my mother to bring me back from this pit of discouragement I was in and she said something quite profound.  I told her that I was so discouraged at my job and I can't ever seem to catch up.  My job stresses me to the point of illness and high anxiety.  I think to myself often how worth it is a job that has such "side effects".  I confessed that I was starting to believe God had momentarily given up on me even though I know in my heart that he has a great plan for me and my son.  I then said, "There's got to be a reason that I am at the job I am, Right?"  In which my mother replied," Of course God has a reason for you being there. It may not be a lot of money in your pocket but he's allowing you to put food on your table. You are providing shelter for your child.  That's his plan for now."  I think that my jaw had reached the floor at this point.  I was speechless.  I honestly had no words and was struck with such humility that the rest of the day I was truly humbled.  I thought to myself.....yes, my job sucks and sometimes it is difficult to get up in the morning knowing that I have to go to THAT place, the place that makes me sick to my stomach and give me a knot in my throat.  These things are all true and I DO want more out of life and sometimes I DO think that I am better than THAT place or deserve more than that job.  I ask God so many times, "If this is where I am suppose to be just show me or if I am suppose to be somewhere else give me a sign."  It wasn't until my mother told me the obvious did I actually realize that he WAS showing me all the signs.  I was being ungrateful and there was a lesson there but on top of it all he had me at THAT job to survive.  Truly the most profound statement of my week.  It's not a career, it's not glamorous, it's not even satisfying, and certainly doesn't make me feel good about myself but I am surviving and doing the best I can to be a mother who can provide for her child.  Thank you God for allowing me to have THAT job!  A true story of being humbled by the lord above, who I know (and will never forget) will always provide for me and my family!